Teen aggression and arguments

Many parents find that when their child becomes a teenager, their behaviour becomes more challenging. But how do you cope if they become aggressive or even violent towards you?

Find out how to cope with heated arguments with your teen, and what to do if they become violent.

If you’re experiencing aggression or violence from your teen, you’re not alone. A recent Parentline Plus survey found that 60% of calls (between October 2007 and June 2008) included verbal aggression from a teenager, and 30% involved physical aggression, much of it aimed at the parent themselves.

It is common to keep this kind of abuse behind closed doors and not confide in anyone. Many parents feel  that they have failed to control their child, or that they are responsible for the behaviour in some way. In addition, they may not know where to turn. However, any kind of aggression can be stressful, and can cause an atmosphere of tension and fear for the entire family, not to mention the possibility of physical harm if their teen becomes violent. No parent should feel obliged to put up with an unruly teen, and as with any type of domestic abuse, help and support is available. You can find appropriate organisations and helpline numbers in ‘Help and support’ below. There are also a number of techniques and tips that you might find helpful.

Defusing heated arguments

It’s useful to remember that your own behaviour can improve or worsen an aggressive situation, so it’s important to be a good role model for your teen.

Linda Blair, clinical psychologist working with families, advises: “Bear in mind that you are their principal role model. If you act aggressively but tell them not to, they won’t listen. It’s also helpful to remember that their anger is often based on fear – fear that they’re losing control.”

With that in mind, it is worth trying to maintain a calm and peaceful presence. You need to be strong without being threatening. Remember that your body language, as well as what you say and how you say it, should also reflect this. Avoid staring them in the eye, and give them personal space. Allow them the opportunity to express their point of view, then respond in a reasoned way.

If an argument becomes very heated, Linda suggests that you “stop for a moment". Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds and then exhale. Repeat five times. This technique is very useful in intense situations. If your teen is becoming aggressive during arguments, suggest this technique to them when they’re calm, so they too have a way of controlling their anger.

If an argument feels out of control, you can also try explaining to them that you are going to walk away, and that you’ll come back again in half an hour. Given the chance to reflect and calm down, you and your teen will both be more reasonable when you resume your discussion.

As with toddlers, if you give in to teenagers because their shouting and screaming intimidates or baffles you, you are in effect encouraging them to repeat the unreasonable behaviour as a way of getting what they want.

Family Lives is a charity dedicated to helping families. They suggest that if very heated arguments happen frequently, it may be worth suggesting counselling to your teen. They’ll benefit from talking to someone new and unbiased, someone who isn’t in their family and who won’t judge them. Remember they may not know how to handle their anger, and this can leave them frustrated and even frightened. Some guidance from an outsider can be very helpful.

Dealing with violent behaviour

Sometimes, teen aggression can turn into violence. If they lash out at you, or someone or something else, put safety first. Let your teenager know that violence is unacceptable and you will walk away from them until they’ve calmed down. If leaving the room or house isn’t helping, call the police – after all, if you feel threatened or scared, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Family Lives offer this advice for coping with, and helping, a violent teen:

• Give them space – once they have calmed down, you may want to talk to them about what has happened and suggest that they let you find them some help.
• Be clear – teenagers need to know that you will stand by the boundaries you set. They need to know that any kind of violence is unacceptable.
• Talk to their school and find out if their aggressive behaviour is happening there as well. Some schools offer counselling.
• Arrange counselling – if your teen admits they have a problem and is willing to get help, book an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist as soon as possible. Speak to your GP or their school about what help is available.

Help and support

There are many organisations that offer emotional support and practical advice. Getting some support can help you and your child. At such an important development stage, it’s important that they learn how to communicate well and express anger in a healthy way.

• You can call Family Lives' Parentline on 0800 800 2222 any time, or email parentsupport@parentlineplus.org.uk for a personalised reply within three days. They also offer i-parent modules to help you learn more about communicating better with your teen.
• You can call the Samaritans on 08457 909090 any time to talk about any type of distress and to get confidential support and advice.
• The Family Safe Project is run by Gingerbread and aims to support single parents whose children display challenging, violent or aggressive behaviour. Parents are offered three telephone support sessions to help them handle these most difficult of behaviours more effectively. Call 0808 802 0925 for more information.
• Youth Access has details about youth organisations and services offering teens counselling, advice and support.
• Young Minds is a charitable organisation supporting children and young people with mental health issues, and their parents. They provide information to help young people with anger issues. If you discuss your child’s behaviour with them and they are open to getting help, you might like to direct them to the information on the Young Minds website.

Concerned about mental health issues?

If you’re worried that your teen has a mental health problem such as depression, talk to your GP. He or she can refer them to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, who in turn can refer all or some of you for Family Therapy. Or contact the Young Minds Parents’ Helpline on 0808 802 5544 for advice and support concerning mental health issues in young people.

If you are having trouble coping with your teenager, and you suspect you may have symptoms of depression or other mental health problems, discuss this with your GP. He or she can then suggest suitable treatment. You may, for example, be referred for counselling, or directed to support groups or other services in your area.

Worried about your teenager?

Are you worried about your teenager? Many parents find that their children act differently during the teenage years.

It is common to worry that they may be affected by mental health issues such as depression or eating disorders, or be involved in risky behaviour such as taking drugs, abusing alcohol, having unprotected sex, or committing crimes.

Normal teenage behaviour or something more serious?

Teenage behaviour can be erratic and upredictable, so it can difficult to distinguish when they are just ‘being a teenager’ and when something more serious is going on. But, as a parent, there are certain warning signs to look out for.

Linda Blair, clinical psychologist, advises: “As a parent what you can do is look out for unexpected and persisting changes. Have they changed in any way that is particularly out of character for them? For example, if your teenager is usually very sociable – and  he or she withdraws socially to a large degree – there could be a problem. If they’re normally very chatty and they become completely uncommunicative, it may be worth exploring whether it’s due to more than just teenage angst.”

Encourage them to talk

Most teenagers  become moody and uncommunicative from time to time. This is often due to hormonal changes, which make the teenage years an emotional time. Many teenagers haven’t yet developed the skills to talk about emotions, so communication becomes very difficult. Teenagers also have to go through a process of setting themselves physically and emotionally apart from their parents.

However, if you’re worried about them, you may be able to encourage them to open up. Direct questioning can make them feel very threatened, so a more subtle approach is more effective.

Linda Blair suggests: “If you’re having trouble getting them to open up to you, be available to them as much as possible. Take every opportunity to be there for them at times when they feel comfortable talking freely. A great example is to provide a taxi service – being in the car is a non-threatening situation for them because you’re not looking at one another. Have meals together whenever you can – perhaps take them out for a pizza, for example.

If they refuse to talk to you and you are worried that something more serious is going on, you may need to open up other channels of communication for them. Be honest and explain that you’re worried that they’re going through something difficult, and if they can’t talk to you, that’s fine, but they should talk to someone. Try offering helpline numbers, or suggesting a GP or a friend of the family.

Allowing them to make a decision about how and where to seek help can also be beneficial. Linda explains: “If you’re very worried, whether about drugs or an eating disorder, you can try  offering them what’s known as a ‘forced choice decision’. Present them with two choices, both of which represent a positive step. For example, suggest they talk either to your GP or to a named family friend. That way, they feel more in control.

Spotting the signs

Many of the symptoms listed below can often be attributed to normal teenage behaviour. However, if you’re worried, it can be helpful to know the signs of a possible problem. You may then choose to discuss your concerns with your teen, or get advice from your GP.

Depression in teenagers

Noticeable symptoms of depression in teenagers can include:

• continuous low mood or sadness
• voicing/showing feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• frequent tearfulness
• being irritable and intolerant of others
• apparent lack of energy or motivation, and little or no enjoyment of things that were once interesting to them
• slowed movement or speech
• changes in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
• frequent unexplained aches and pains
• disturbed sleep patterns (for example, problems going to sleep and/or waking throughout the night, particularly in the early hours of the morning)
• losing interest or being disruptive at school or playing truant
• constantly complaining that they feel bored or lonely

Read more about depression.

Teenage eating disorders

The most common eating disorders include anorexia, bulimia and binge eating. Signs of eating disorders can include:

• having a preoccupation and concern about food and gaining weight
• a desire to lose weight even though their friends or other family members worry that they’re underweight
• letting people around them think they have eaten when they haven’t
• being secretive about their eating habits
• becoming anxious, upset or guilty when asked to eat
• vomiting, or using laxatives in order to lose weight

Read more about eating disorders.

Get advice if you have a child with an eating disorder.

Self-harming teenagers

people who self-harm usually try to keep it a secret from their friends and family and often injure themselves in places that can be hidden easily by clothing.

if you suspect that your teenager is self-harming, look out for any of the following signs:

• unexplained cuts, bruises or cigarette burns, usually on their wrists, arms, thighs and chest
• keeping themselves fully covered at all times, even in hot weather
• signs of depression, such as low mood, tearfulness, a lack of motivation or lack of interest in everything
• changes in eating habits or being secretive about eating, and any unusual weight loss or weight gain
• signs of low self-esteem, such as blaming themselves for any problems or thinking they are not good enough
• signs they have been pulling out their hair
• signs of alcohol or drug misuse

Read more about self-harm.

Teenagers who take drugs

signs that your teenager is taking drugs can include:

• losing interest in hobbies, sports or other favourite activities
• losing interest in their appearance or personal hygiene
• dramatic changes in behaviour
• suddenly forming an almost totally new group of friends
• excessive tiredness and lack of appetite
• playing truant from school
• dilated pupils, red eyes, bad skin
• spending an increased amount of money, coupled with a refusal to explain why
• stealing money from you

Finding any of the following items in their room or in the house, could indicate that they are using drugs:

• pipes
• rolling papers
• small medicine bottles
• eye drops
• butane lighters
• homemade 'bongs' (pipes that use water as a filter) made from tin cans or plastic drinks bottles
• scorched tinfoil
• razor blades
• syringes

Find out more about drug use and getting help.

Coping with your teenager

Many parents feel stressed by their teenager’s behaviour, and worry about whether it is normal. We look at what changes children go through in their teenage years, and how to deal with the effects of bad teenage behaviour.

They say being a parent is the toughest job in the world. For some, it can certainly feel that way during the teenage years.

Teenage behaviour

Teenagers' behaviour can be baffling, stressful, hurtful and often worrying. But in most cases it doesn't mean that there is anything more serious going on than the natural process of becoming an adult.

Many of the common behaviour issues that parents find hard are an essential part of puberty and growing up.

Surges of hormones, combined with body changes, struggling to find an identity, pressures from friends and a developing sense of independence, means the teenage years are a confusing time for your child. It can mean that they, for example, become aloof, want more time alone or with friends, feel misunderstood, reject your attempts to talk or show affection, or appear sullen and moody.

These changes in personality may be natural, but it doesn't mean as a parent you don't feel hurt and worried by them.

Your feelings about your teen’s behaviour

Teenagers can challenge even the calmest of parents. When you have further pressures in your life, such as other children, work, relationships, family commitments, illness, it can feel as though your teenager is going to push you over the edge.

Try to step back from the situation, and remember that they have physiological reasons for behaving in the ways that are so difficult to live with. They’re probably not enjoying it either. You’re the adult, and it is your responsibility to guide them through the difficult times. Don’t expect to enjoy your time with them all of the time, and remember to look after yourself.

If you’re feeling rejected because your teenager is keeping a distance, remember that forming strong friendships outside of the family is an important part of growing up. Try not to be offended. Try turning to your own friends, partner or family for support when it’s hard.

How do I cope with the stress?

Young Minds, a mental health charity, advises that an effective way of coping with a troublesome teenager is to start by looking after yourself. For example:

• Get a good night’s sleep.
• Eat healthily.
• Make sure you get time to relax and have a break from your children.
• Get regular exercise.
• Talk to friends, partner, external help, support group.
• Learn techniques for coping with stress and know the signs of depression or anxiety. If you’re concerned that you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, talk to your GP.

How should I act with my teenager?

Be calm and consistent

Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist who works with families, explains that: “Teenagers can be largely emotional rather than logical because of the hormones rampaging through their bodies. It is not necessarily pleasant for them, and it can even feel frightening. Although it might be hard for you, they need you to maintain a calm consistent presence.”

Remember that you are a role model for your teenager

Linda says: “If they see you smoking, drinking, taking drugs, they will see that as a green light to do the same themselves. And they won’t listen to you if you tell them not to do it.”

Don’t bottle up your concerns

If you’re worried that your teenage son or daughter might be having unprotected sex, for example, don't assume they know the facts. Don’t, however, challenge them. Instead, simply offer them information, such a leaflet or website URL, to make sure they know the risks and how to be safe.

Give them your time

Make sure you allow them the time to be with you and talk to you when it seems right for them. And make sure you listen when they do want to talk. For example, offer a lift when they need to go somewhere – car journeys are a good time for talking.

Offer some time alone

Allow them to have their own space and privacy.

Show them love

Even if they don’t seem responsive, they do need to know you love them.

Set boundaries

Boundaries allow teenagers to feel safe. Decide what the limits are and then stick to them.

What to do if you relapse after quitting smoking

Many people who quit smoking relapse at some point. Don’t be put off trying again. The key is to learn from what went wrong so you’re more likely to succeed next time.

If you're tempted to start smoking again, call the free NHS Smokefree helpline on 0800 022 4332 to get support from a trained adviser

When you quit smoking, it’s important to be positive and really believe that you’ll be successful. You shouldn’t expect to start smoking again.

But some people who try to quit will return to smoking the way they did before, usually in the first few months.

If you do relapse, don't worry, it can take a few tries to quit smoking for good. That's not to say you shouldn't take relapse seriously – but don't be too hard on yourself either.

The more times you try to quit, the better your chances of success. So, look on a relapse as ‘practice’ for stopping smoking.

Preventing relapse

Why is it that some smokers who quit fall off the wagon?

The main reason is giving in to cravings. These are powerful urges to smoke, often triggered by stress, seeing other people smoking, getting drunk or emotional events such as arguments.

The best way to withstand cravings is a combination of stop smoking medicines and behavioural changes.

It’s also important to stay away from people who smoke. Nearly three quarters of all quitters who relapse do so in the presence of people who are smoking – usually after having asked one of them for a cigarette!

Get practical advice on how to relieve cravings.

Help for relapse

The risk of relapse is highest in the first few weeks after quitting. However, some people can relapse several months, or even years, after stopping smoking

Avoiding a relapse is best, but if you do yield to temptation, don’t despair – it can take several tries to quit smoking for good. You've tried before and this experience can help you now.

If you’ve had a cigarette or two: